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staring within

By Tara Zandra | April 9, 2013

Often when I wake up, the first thoughts that pop into my head are what I have to get done that day. On days where we have somewhere to be, I wake up with a bit of dread. So I’m used to not being in the best mood upon the alarm going off (I’m sure anyone who goes to work agrees with me). Today I woke up on the verge of an anxiety attack- Shortness of breath, heavy feeling, nauseous, extreme worry. I never had a full on attack, but I could not make the feeling go away. I can’t even tell you why I felt that way, which made it worse.

I tried to tell myself to just get up and work out, that the physical activity would more than likely cure me. But I could not make myself get up and then I started shivering as if I had a fever. I was nauseous enough that I considered that I might actually be ill- but determined I was not. I laid in this state for 2 hours before mercifully falling asleep only to promptly have one of my beyond vivid morning dreams. Thankfully it was not a nightmare this time, but I was arguing with Chris in the dream which did not help my state of mind.

At some point I realized I had 15-minutes to pull myself together and get the kids out of bed so I did. There was no choice in the matter. But that deep anxious feeling was not to be messed with and would not go away.

The day progressed and for various reasons, I felt mostly normal by 1ish. Then 2:30 hit and I plunged right back where I was before. I still don’t know why. Life is pretty damn good right now with a minimal amount of problems- certainly nothing panic inducing.

I went through the motions for the rest of the afternoon and then took Daisy to dance. At this point I knew I could not go inside and make idle chit-chat with anyone, not even my closest friend who I knew was there. So I popped my headphones on and walked. I let fun. be my guide and put them on shuffle after deliberately starting with “Be Calm.” It then played 2 versions of “It Gets Better” and “Carry On” so I guess it was trying to tell me something.

As I walked, I tried to figure out what the hell was going on. At some point I let my mind slip deeper into this sadness. I was coming up with metaphors for what I was feeling.

And you know what?

It was all a load of crap. The very simple matter, which I had forgotten, is we choose to be happy or we choose not to be. I was making the wrong choice. Maybe I’m simply overtired. Maybe it’s residual from yesterday’s nerves. Maybe all the small annoyances in my life finally banded together. I don’t know. But I do know that I was allowing myself to wallow. I wasn’t making an effort.

I was failing me.

Do I feel great right now? No. It’s hard to shed that about to have a panic attack feeling. But I’m so much better and I know that a full night’s sleep and a good workout tomorrow will do wonders.

Even if I wake up with the exact same feeling (and I really hope I don’t), I can either choose to let it rule me or I can choose to get over it.

But it is my choice.

Topics: Life |

2 Responses to “staring within”

  1. Mel Says:
    April 13th, 2013 at 11:45 pm

    As I’ve gotten older I’ve really learned that being happy, or at least trying to be, is hard work. Constant work. It isn’t something I can take for granted to just be there. It’s really hard on some days though.

  2. Tara Zandra Says:
    April 17th, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Even on my bad days, I’m pretty damn happy with my life. I think that’s what made coping with last week so hard for me. If I look back on last week it’s all a blur. I can usually keep my perspective when I’m down and I have tricks to help pull me out, but nothing was working for whatever reason.

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