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Husband- Do Not Read

By Tara Zandra | November 25, 2012

Seriously, Chris, I’ll know if you read it. You have to wait until December 2 then you can come back and read. My Mother-in-Law probably shouldn’t read this at all. Frankly, if you’re one of my aunts, I don’t really want you reading this either. Check back in a couple days for a new post. I’ll put up a shiny new pic of the girls just for you all. Seriously.

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Two things.

  1. I look damn good in a corset.
  2. I now understand that Gone With the Wind scene and how vital Mammy was to Scarlett.

So we have the company Christmas party in a another week and I mentioned that I found the perfect dress. It fit just right; not in a “if I lose 5 pounds it will be perfect” kind of way, but perfect as is. But it’s kind of a Lucy style dress with a tapered waistline and flouncy skirt so I thought it might look even more perfect with Spanx underneath to, you know, keep everything smooth. Spanx is expensive, y’all. So I checked Victoria’s Secret website for their body shapers and somehow decided a corset was the way to go. Well, if I’m going to wear a corset, might as well slut it up, we are staying at a hotel afterall. Off to Frederick’s of Hollywood!

I decided I needed to try it on so I dumped took the kids to a dance party and went in search of sexy undies that happen to not show off jiggle. I’ve lost weight, but I’m nowhere near done. The girl at FoH tells me to do all the hook and eyes and then let her know so she can lace me up which of course meant I had to open the door but do a little hiding behind it because the twins were kind of on display and there were, of course, 2 men in the store right near the dressing rooms. I’m not that shy, but it would have been pretty blatant to walk out there spilling out the top. The sales associate thankfully heard the door open and came back pretty quick. She starts working her magic on the laces and I truly felt like holding on to the clothing bar for dear life. I restrained myself only because I was trying to play it cool as if I buy “fuck me, Honey” under things every week.

Dear lord a corset works wonder. I was downright svelte. I would have taken a picture if that wasn’t, you know, awkward with a perfect stranger in the same room. Off I went with my purchase, complete with thigh highs for the garters.

Now let’s fast forward to tonight. It’s just me and Daisy and she’s parked in front of the TV. I decide it’s the perfect time to trial run the corset with the dress. Now, the salesgirl tied it just right for me and left it that way. But once you take it off, well, have you ever tried to put the biscuit dough back into the can and close it up? The salesgirl had told me I would probably have to lay down to flatten everything out to refasten the [many, oh god so many!] hook and eyes up the front. I grew up in the ’80s, I’m familiar with lying down to zip your jeans. But with hook and eyes, you can’t just grab the pliers and suck in. My hands actually cramped from trying to fasten those damn hooks! I had to admit defeat and let the laces out which led to me contemplating googling things like “putting on a corset by yourself.” But in all honesty, it wasn’t that hard to pull the laces tight again after I triumphed over the hooks.

Mirror check- yep! Still looks freaking fantastic. Okay, now to put on the stockings. Um, you know why women got the vapors all the time? Can’t bend over, holy shit! You ever try to put on stockings in what amounts to a body cast? *sigh* I managed, somehow, but then could only fasten the garters in the front because I couldn’t maneuver my body well enough to let out the straps in the back. Hooking those things, by the way, also not an easy task. I clearly see why women eventually decided corsets and stockings needed to become a thing of the past. On the other hand, damn they look good!

Dress slips on and it turns out with the corset on, I could actually go down a size in the dress. Well, in the waist, at least, because a corset doesn’t do anything at all to take the ta-tas down one little bit. My breasts reminded me of the girls at the Rennaisance Faire who walk around with pickles sticking out of their cleavage.

Now I’ve got to attempt shoes and sitting. I’m happy to report, I can actually sit and I will have the best posture of any single person in that room. The shoes, much like the stockings, required bending so they didn’t so much happen.

So, what was supposed to be a trial run turned into a trial run for my next trial run. I know to put on stockings first, then shoes. Next I will loosen the hell out of the corset, somehow hold it up while attaching the front *and* the back garter straps, then fasten eleventy-thousand hook and eyes before the pulling, but not too much, of the laces commences. I will finish off with a triumphant slipping on of the dress. There will be big hair and smudgy eyes. And quite possibly an attack of the vapors.

Topics: Life |

3 Responses to “Husband- Do Not Read”

  1. Mel Says:
    November 25th, 2012 at 2:51 am

    You crack me up! Work it, girl!

  2. Vanessa Says:
    November 25th, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    LOL! I was going to say maybe you could get Tabitha to help you into it, but if it’s *that* sort of corset, perhaps not. Have fun!

  3. Sandy Says:
    December 31st, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    Ohmydearlord I’m truly laughing my ass off! You’ll have to check out my works website if you need more, we make some real wild ones!
    I have one that has real solid clampy things in front, it’s nearly impossible to get on without assistance, lol!

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